I’m very tired today. I haven’t been able to concentrate much on my work because of how tired I was. My shoulders were very tense and they caused my head to hurt. I wasn’t really sure why I was feeling like this until I remembered that this is exactly how I felt when I quit smoking 2 years ago. It was around the same time as now actually. I think that being around a smoker, my mom, these past two weeks reignited my addiction to cigarettes. The problem is she doesn’t really understand second hand smoking and that by smoking next to someone you are forcing them to smoke with you. I was afraid of that, and now it turns out that my fears were warranted. The good thing is that cigarettes are so fucking expensive here that I don’t think I’m willing to pick up that filthy habit again.
The real problem is that I have to go through withdrawal again. I hope that the fact that I wasn’t actually smoking is going to be helpful and that it means I the withdrawal symptoms won’t be too strong. Only time will tell. As I wasn’t really able to work I did some reading for fun, that way I kept my brain working. I’m really enjoying the Black Magician trilogy. It’s very good indeed. I also took a hot bath, I thought it might help loosen my muscles a bit and help with my headache. It did a bit but it is returning now. I took medicine and am trying to keep hydrated. I hate cigarettes and wish I never picked them up ever.
The worst part of this whole thing is that I don’t want to smoke. I don’t even have a craving for cigarettes, all I have is the annoying headache, muscle tension, irritability, and anxiousness. But if someone offered me a cigarette now I wouldn’t take it. Not because I am being brave or something, but because I really don’t want one, I don’t feel like it. This is another thing I have to consider next time my mom visits. I’ll try to get her to visit in winter, or when it’s very cold, and refuse to sit outside with her when she smokes. That way I’ll minimise my exposure to second hand smoke.
In other news, I haven’t gone back to the gym yet, but I’ve been enjoying my lower intake of calories a lot. I was planning on making a salmon salad today, but wasn’t happy with the salmon I had. I decided that I would only buy fish from the fishmonger. I bought some salmon filets from the supermarket, they were on offer. But even though the eat by date wasn’t reached yet, they just smelled bad. I didn’t want to risk food poisoning, even though I would probably lose a few kilos if I had food poisoning. So I threw them away, and felt bad for wasting food like that. So from now on I’ll avoid this situation by buying fish fresh and on the day I want to use it.
Well that’s pretty much it for me. I need to go make myself a cup of tea now and try to get some work done, if possible, or at least read a bit. I haven’t been sleeping too well, or early, the past couple of days. I realise why that’s the case today. I really hate cigarettes. To all the kids out there, I know you’re not reading this but I will still send it into the magical ether that is the internet, don’t start smoking. I know it looks cool, I know it feels good at the time, but trust me it’s really awful.
Arab Rhizome 