Archive for Funny

Zombies

Posted in Culture, Me, Silly Thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on 19/09/2011 by arabrhizome

So for the past few days I’ve been on a bit of a crazy zombie trip. I’ve been watching zombie films and series. I never thought I was a zombie aficionado but clearly I was wrong. Zombie narratives are very interesting. I’ve watched a few films with fast zombies and a few with slow swarming zombies. It’s very hard for me to decide which I like best. One of my favourite things that I’ve watched has to be Dead Set. It’s set around the Big Brother house in the UK and is brilliant in every way. It came out as a series but can be watched as a single long film. It’s absolutely fantastic and has one of the best endings I’ve ever seen.

Watching all of these films and series I realised that the zombie genre is not at all what I thought it was. In fact, the narratives are often very deep. The atmosphere of dread and impending doom is very powerful. It’s also interesting to juxtapose the gore with some interesting soundtracks. Dead Set is very good at that. There is a scene where people at the studios are being attacked by zombies while the people in the Big Brother House are having a party completely unaware of what is happening. It’s made very powerful by the juxtaposition of party music to the scenes of massacre. It’s really well written, but then again what else would you expect from Charlie Brooker.

Anyway, all this watching of zombie films has gotten me to think about the zombie apocalypse and what I would do if it actually happened. I know it sounds silly, and it is, but watching zombie films one can’t help but wonder. One thing that’s made clear is that I need to increase my level of fitness. I need to be able to outrun the zombies. Now, if they are fast zombies, a la Dead Set or 28 Days Later, that’s going to be hard. If they are the slow swarming type than I can probably do it but I need more upper body strength in order to be able to climb fences and stuff and be able to put height and distance between myself and them.

The other thing that is painfully clear is that I’m probably not going to be able to remain a vegan post zombie apocalypse. I’m going to have to eat whatever I find and until I’m able to get to a secluded area in the countryside, which is feasible as I know how to drive and don’t live very far from the countryside, where I can grow my own food. Still I will probably need to eat animal meat or products. I’ve come to the conclusion that in the zombie apocalypse scenario it is okay for me to do that. At the end of the day the point is to survive. I will need to eat whatever I can get my hands on.

I think that my flat is a safe place to start. I have no downstairs neighbours and live on the first floor. In theory I could get to the roof of the building very easily from my bedroom or bathroom window if I need to leave it in a hurry. Obviously this requires me to work on my upper body strength and my apocalypse shape. I could then get to many open spaces and places with cars easily. Either from roofs or by dropping down to an adjacent street. I would then need to go to the supermarket and stock up on supplies, probably after I’ve tried to get to my friends. Then it’s off to the countryside.

Yes I have thought about this a lot. That’s what one does while they’re watching zombie films. It’s very hard not to think about these things. Some zombie animals exist, snails and certain insects for example, so it is conceivable that this ability can somehow be transfered to human beings. I just need to have a cricket or a baseball bat on hand and with a little luck I think I could survive the zombie apocalypse if I get in shape. On this sombre note,  have a good night everyone and don’t have nightmares. Also, don’t let the bedbugs bite, they might turn you into zombies. Sweet dreams.

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Hello

Posted in about the blog, Me, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 13/07/2011 by arabrhizome

Hello readers. My post yesterday was a fun thing to write. I know most of you took it in the spirit it was intended. I call you weird stalkers and insult you because I love you. Also because I’m slightly frightened by you, because I think you’re weird stalkers, and at the same time have a lot of contempt for you. I said I was going to write about the whole skepchick/Dawkins controversy but to be honest I’m just really swamped with work and I’d rather try to get as much as I can done tonight. My mother is coming this Friday so I really need to work a lot so I can actually hang out with her a bit. Anyway, stay safe. Love you bye.

Thank You

Posted in about the blog, Friends, Me, Silly Thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 12/07/2011 by arabrhizome

Hi reader. That’s right you’re the only one reading. I know who you are and I thank you for sticking with me. You are very pretty and smart and funny and just a lovely person. I love you very much and I’m very grateful for you to keep coming to this site even though I haven’t written anything of note in a while. It’s your support and constant reassurance that makes me not give up this ridiculous endeavor even though I should be spending my time doing more productive stuff.

Anyway, that’s all untrue. I still have a grate number of readers but I wanted to make it a bit personal and this way at least for a few seconds you felt special and thought I was talking directly to you. Now you probably feel a little foolish for believing me. Ha ha ha I am evil… I am not mentally ill. No seriously though you’re really full of yourself believing that the world revolves around you. Come on. What’s wrong with you? You should be ashamed of yourself. Alright seriously though, thanks for reading even though I keep being unnecessarily ride to all of you. I think my theory that you are all stalkers who have crazy collages of me on their wall is making more and more sense. I’m sure you have photos of me sleeping that have been taken from the tree outside my bedroom. You make me sick you weirdoes.

I have to admit that I keep insulting you and secretly thinking that this might be true and you might actually go postal on me. One day someone would knock on my door and it’ll be you with a chainsaw. It wouldn’t be a bad way to go to be honest. Killed by a cyber stalker, I could live with that. Well live isn’t the right word here… As you can tell I’m in a bit of a funny mood. I’m not exactly in a good mood. But I’m in a kind of “fuck it” mood. Nothing seems real or serious. I’m just enjoying making fun of you, the people who actually take some time away from their day to actually read what I have to say. You are a bunch of idiots and should get a life.

Please don’t stop reading my blog I don’t know what I would do without you validating my existence… I am not mentally ill or having a mental breakdown as I am typing this. I AM NOT! The fact that the voices in my head are telling me things is not a sign of me loosing my mind. They, the voices, told me it’s completely normal. You know what? I’m honestly a little frightened about myself. This whole post came out in one go. It’s almost as if I was doing that thing where you type without thinking. I’m either actually having a mental breakdown or I’m very good. I think it’s the second one, but then again that’s what someone having a mental breakdown would say isn’t it? I’m confused.

Now before I go I’d like to say a few things seriously. Many things have happened while I’ve been feeling sorry for myself. The flotilla, the flytilla, the anti-BDS law, the hypocrisy of NATO, just to name a few. I want to write about all these very serious subjects but I need to read a lot about them in order to have interesting posts on here. I don’t really have the time to that. Although one thing I read about a lot is Richard Dawkins coming out as a complete dick. We all knew that he was a bit of a tit but I read this week about the whole controversy with skepchick and he is a complete privileged arsehole. Maybe I’ll write about that tomorrow with a few less expletives, it’s going to be hard though because once you hear about the story you will understand why they are completely necessary to describe him. From now on I think he should be referred to as: Fucking Dick Arsing Dawkins The Cunt. Stay safe. Love you bye.

Nothing of Note

Posted in about the blog, Me, Silly Thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on 21/05/2011 by arabrhizome

I wanted to write a long satyrical post about religion and the nuttery of the people who are waiting for the rapture today because one of their chief nutters said it was today. I wanted to intelligently yet humorously dissect the very concept of the rapture and what it said about us as a species as a whole and what it said about the people who wish the end of the world so hard. I wanted to show the hypocrisy of those who pretend to love their neighbours, but would be happy to leave them to burn in hell. I wanted to talk about the Muslim version of the rapture, which is almost the same as the christian one.

In my mind, my post was going to be so funny and so intelligent that it would be quoted all over the world and that everyone who read it would be charmed and convinced by it. I thought my post would expose organised religions for what they are and lead us all into a new age of peace, prosperity, and reason. I thought that I would be held as a hero, nay a prophet of rationalism. People would flock from every corner of the world to hear me speak and explain to them why it is better to use rationality than blind faith. I thought I would bring peace to the world. Everyone would just stop fighting and I would resolve all the problems of the world.

I thought that thanks to this post I’ll be able to spread a message of love and understanding. Obviously, some people would resist and call me names. They’d probably try to stop me from talking. Maybe they’ll go as far as try to kill me. But because of my immense following I’d just crush them. I’d use them as an example to show the world how to deal with irrational people. Because there’s just no reasoning with some people, to be honest. I would explain that those who continue to think differently from how I think about political, scientific, and philosophical matters would be hunted as apostates and brought to justice, my justice.

My word would become law and I will rule the world as the beloved and benevolent philosopher king of the world (but without shouting it in a shrill voice on a boat). My followers will write of my exploits and my rise from very ordinary origins to becoming the philosopher king of the world. After I die, people will fight about the exact interpretation of my words. Things will start to get muddy after a few decades and splits in the unified world I achieved would start to appear. A few centuries in, wars in my name will be fought and some people will be exterminated, real estate claims will be made in my name, and it’ll all go to shit.

So I decided not to write that post. I thought it would be better if I didn’t do that to the world. I think this, along with the fact that I started writing this post thinking it was going to be a short one and I was going to apologise for the fact that I wasn’t going to write a proper post, shows how good I am as a human being. I am however a little worried that this post, which turned out to not suck, might have a bit of a similar effect on a smaller scale. But I guess I can deal with a cult following. That’s not too bad. I will now go and await the inevitable deluge of comments and emails from people inspired by me. Now, what would suck is if the rapture happened and my dreams of becoming the leader of the band of weird stalkers and internet nerds who read this blog never get to fruition. I would never forgive Jesus for that.

What an Idiot I Am Sometimes

Posted in about the blog, Me, Silly Thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , on 16/05/2011 by arabrhizome

Hi everyone, I have done it again. I forgot about the blog. It’s really daft because this is the last post of my first year of blogging daily. I will write a proper long post tomorrow as it will be this blog’s first birthday. I can’t believe that I have written a post everyday for a year. I know that we’ve had highs and lows, today is a low as this will be a short post, because I didn’t really think about what to write. I will make sure to write a longer post tomorrow and maybe try to give myself guidelines for the coming year. I’ll think about it and you’ll see my post tomorrow. In the mean time, thanks you to all my regular readers, all three of you (there are actually quite a lot more than three but I said this for comic effect. Also, it’s a little self deprecating and I am told that it’s an adorable quality and that a lot of women really like that in a man), It’s nice to know that some people actually go through the effort to read my ramblings. I mean there really is no reason, unless you’re stalkers or mentally ill. You probably are. Oh no! I’ve been feeding your mental illness! Although to be fair you have been good to me because I’m so insecure and knowing that there are people so pathetic out there that they would read me everyday sure made me feel better. So all in all it’s been mutually beneficiary. Although insulting you like that is probably not the best policy. Please don’t come to my Flat and stab me. Love you bye.

Not in the Mood

Posted in about the blog, Me, Silly Thoughts, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 12/05/2011 by arabrhizome

Right I know I said I was going to write a post justifying the terms I use when I describe zionism and israel, but I’m really not in the mood tonight. In fact, I’m not in the mood to write a post. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that I’m a little moody. Nothing special, just feeling a little blah, as the youths say on their internets. I hate the youths and everything they stand for. All of them all thin and with all their hair. Also, I hate them for all the fun they have. Also, everything seems to be geared at them and they don’t give a shit. Finally I hate them because they have their whole lives in front of them and they haven’t been disappointed yet by the crushing reality of this cruel world. Although I do take a little bit of comfort in the thought that they are going to encounter the real world soon and have all their hopes and dreams crushed and destroyed. They will start putting on weight and losing their hair, and I will be there welcoming them into the world of bitterness that is one’s 30s.

As you can tell I’m in a bit of a mood today. I don’t know what brought it on. It’s not like I have encountered any youths lately. I just don’t like them. They are scummy little shits who don’t appreciate all the opportunities their age offer them. Well that’s all from me today I’m afraid. I’m just not in the mood to write more. I’m just going to make myself a cup of tea and watch something sensible on television that doesn’t involve screaming teenagers, and is not geared for them. Although that type of show is less and less available. Have you seen how terrible BBC3 is in general? I hate youths. I keep being dragged into this rant even though I don’t want to continue it. I don’t really mind youths on a daily basis but for some reason I’m feeling very bitter about them today. I really don’t know where all this bile is coming from. Maybe I’m starting to lose my mind. Shut up people who are saying “That’s right H starting”! I am not mentally ill and whoever says I am is a nincompoop.

As I said all I wanted to do was to come on here and tell you all that I wasn’t going to write a long post and just explain that I’m in a mood today that means I don’t want to write a long post. Instead here I am repeating myself and having a bunch of conflicting thoughts, they’re actually different voices in my head, about youths. I didn’t even feel angry about them before I started writing this post. What is wrong with me? Shut up I’m not mentally ill. This is all a clever plan to get you readers to like me by putting on a show that hopefully made you laugh. I’m not completely and utterly insecure. The fact that I write a daily blog and check the number of hits I get on it obsessively isn’t a symptom of low self esteem. Also, the fact that I feel that my whole existence is validated when I get a high number of hits and completely useless and like my life is worthless when I get a very low number of hits, doesn’t mean anything. I am not mentally ill. Love you bye.

Spring Cleaning Interrupted

Posted in about the blog, Me, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on 06/05/2011 by arabrhizome

Hi everyone, sorry about the earlier post. I just wanted to make sure to have a post for today. Anyway, I won’t be long, as I’m very sleepy. I woke up and started cleaning up my flat, which is more of a pig sty at the moment. It’s still a work in progress, and won’t be done until at least Sunday. Anyway, I had to stop cleaning to go out and meet a friend of mine who came up from London. We had a lovely evening. She’s a stand up and I went with her to the Glee club. I watched her perform and hung out with her and the other comedians afterwards. It was a lot of fun. I’m probably going to see her again tomorrow. Anyway, the point is all that fun made me very sleepy and I can barely keep my eyes open. So I hope you’ll excuse the short post. I’ll try to write a longer one tomorrow. Stay safe. Love you bye.