Nothing of Note

I wanted to write a long satyrical post about religion and the nuttery of the people who are waiting for the rapture today because one of their chief nutters said it was today. I wanted to intelligently yet humorously dissect the very concept of the rapture and what it said about us as a species as a whole and what it said about the people who wish the end of the world so hard. I wanted to show the hypocrisy of those who pretend to love their neighbours, but would be happy to leave them to burn in hell. I wanted to talk about the Muslim version of the rapture, which is almost the same as the christian one.

In my mind, my post was going to be so funny and so intelligent that it would be quoted all over the world and that everyone who read it would be charmed and convinced by it. I thought my post would expose organised religions for what they are and lead us all into a new age of peace, prosperity, and reason. I thought that I would be held as a hero, nay a prophet of rationalism. People would flock from every corner of the world to hear me speak and explain to them why it is better to use rationality than blind faith. I thought I would bring peace to the world. Everyone would just stop fighting and I would resolve all the problems of the world.

I thought that thanks to this post I’ll be able to spread a message of love and understanding. Obviously, some people would resist and call me names. They’d probably try to stop me from talking. Maybe they’ll go as far as try to kill me. But because of my immense following I’d just crush them. I’d use them as an example to show the world how to deal with irrational people. Because there’s just no reasoning with some people, to be honest. I would explain that those who continue to think differently from how I think about political, scientific, and philosophical matters would be hunted as apostates and brought to justice, my justice.

My word would become law and I will rule the world as the beloved and benevolent philosopher king of the world (but without shouting it in a shrill voice on a boat). My followers will write of my exploits and my rise from very ordinary origins to becoming the philosopher king of the world. After I die, people will fight about the exact interpretation of my words. Things will start to get muddy after a few decades and splits in the unified world I achieved would start to appear. A few centuries in, wars in my name will be fought and some people will be exterminated, real estate claims will be made in my name, and it’ll all go to shit.

So I decided not to write that post. I thought it would be better if I didn’t do that to the world. I think this, along with the fact that I started writing this post thinking it was going to be a short one and I was going to apologise for the fact that I wasn’t going to write a proper post, shows how good I am as a human being. I am however a little worried that this post, which turned out to not suck, might have a bit of a similar effect on a smaller scale. But I guess I can deal with a cult following. That’s not too bad. I will now go and await the inevitable deluge of comments and emails from people inspired by me. Now, what would suck is if the rapture happened and my dreams of becoming the leader of the band of weird stalkers and internet nerds who read this blog never get to fruition. I would never forgive Jesus for that.


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