Maybe Sick, Maybe Not, and Some Moaning

So I’ve been working today. I haven’t been as productive as I’d like lately. Well when I say lately, I haven’t been productive for 7 or 8 months now and it’s starting to become problematic. I fear I need a change of scenery in order to reset my default behaviours. I feel that I have acquired a set of bad behaviours over that period and I’m having trouble shaking them off. The problem I think is very much that I am in the same space at all times, and that space has been associated with these bad behaviours. It’s like I’m stuck in a rut and can’t get out of it. I have been able to change a few things, including going to the gym and watching what I eat, but this doesn’t seem to have changed much. I am not giving up on them, it’s just that I seem to need more. That is why I need to get that new desk space in Uni soon.

It’s not like I’m not working, but I need to be producing a lot more. Because I’m going to need to go to conferences and get some things published. I am behind on my thesis and so need to use all the time I can to write. So I’m a bit stuck. I know that I should focus on small tasks and get them done, but the gravity of the situation is still weighing on me. I need to write between 1500 and 2000 words a day for a couple of months if I am to get somewhere soon. The thing is if I write about 1000 words a day I’ll be fine finishing my thesis on time, but I need more then just my thesis, that’s the problem. Anyway that’s my moaning done with, now to other business.

I was supposed to go and watch the football at A’s today but then at some point in the afternoon I felt really ill. I started coughing and sneezing and my head felt like it weight about a ton. My muscles were hurting and frankly I felt like shit. So I took medicine and cancelled with A. I had a small power nap of about 20 minutes, but that didn’t help. I took a hot shower hoping to clear my sinuses but that didn’t help either. I was getting sick. But then quite suddenly I felt better. I don’t know if the medicine acted a bit late but I felt better. So I wasted a bit of time online and realised that the football wasn’t on freeview so we couldn’t have watched it anyway.

However, I did start to feel worse again. It’s like I’m constantly on the edge of sickness. I need to be taking vitamins and stuff like that on a daily basis. Also, I’ve realised that whenever I eat properly for a while I start getting ill. I don’t know but it seems that healthy food is bad for me. Or that my body is addicted to bad food and so simulates sickness as a withdrawal symptom. I had when my body tries to outsmart me. A month after I quite smoking, for example, I started feeling so bloated and uncomfortable that I couldn’t just sit. It felt like if I had a cigarette then I would feel better. My body was trying to get me to smoke by making me bloated.

Now before all you crazy rationalists get on my case. I am aware that my body didn’t intend to do anything. I am not assigning intentionality to it or anthropomorphising it. All I’m saying is that withdrawal can appear in many guises, one of them is making me bloated. Another one seems to make me ill so that I don’t feel like cooking my healthy food. But I have come a long way and will not go back to junk food and an ever expanding figure. I have decided to lose my weight and get rid of my significant belly. I need to get rid of my excess weight before it causes proper damage to my health. If that means feeling like shit a coupe of times then I say bring it.

Well that’s pretty much it from me. I don’t really have much more to say. I am going to probably watch  Moon before I go to bed. It’s the first film I receive from I hope it’s as nice as everyone says. Although I fear that it has been so over hyped that I am bound to be disappointed. I am of course saying this in order to lower my expectations so that I don’t actually get disappointed. However, by saying that I have raised them again. So on and so forth through a self conscious infinite regress. bye then


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